Saturday, December 6, 2008

Muddled Thinking

A man who does not think for himself does not think at all. (Oscar Wilde)
After dinner at my grandmother's house to celebrate my lolo's birthday, I went to Idol Grill at Torres. I personally don't like this joint as the live music seemed too loud. I was supposed to meet Jayr earlier tonight but he's so impossible to contact that I simply gave up.

He was supposed to make my day; a last hurrah before another week at work will start. Maybe it is karma working to get me back for yesterday- they say too much fun overflows to an ocean of misery... although I could not say I was exactly miserable. Disappointed, I think, but that is just expected. I'd normally raise hell if someone drops me without notice. I had to cancel a couple of invitations to go out after all. So I had to settle with meeting up with Ernie. I invited him to play MAFA with me but he said where he was so I decided to tag along, not caring who he is with. When I got at the place, he was alone; his friend had apparently gone home.

Ernie already had a couple of Redhorse. I hadn't had any and Ernie feebly protested that he had enough. I looked over the other table, then back at Ernie's too-smiling impish face and decided we needed more fun. I ordered another bucket of the beer on the pretense that I was doing it for Ernie's sake; the guy at the other table had just winked at him. Ernie, tipsy, described the situation as iring-iring (or cat-cat). So there we were, perpetually flirting and hoping for a morsel of attention to come our way. When it does, we giggle like two prepubescent guuurls. It was fun but I knew it was lamefully pathetic. The band suddenly played 'The Past'.

I smiled, quite smug- the universe is definitely throwing me a curved ball. And it couldn't even resist rubbing it in. It was in this momentary lapse of attention of the present that Mike showed up. Mike. Mike, whom I've confessed unabashedly that I lusted after him the first time we met. Mike, who smiled at me after I said it like that. Feeling at ease with each other, our talk became a bit serious despite the shallow ass I had earlier made of myself. We both shared what was happening with us and who we are, like old friends that had just met anew. For some reason, it became a conversation of "us." At that time, he was wallowing post-heartbreak and I think I was too although now I couldn't quite pinpoint with whom. I thought it was not the right time for anyone to commit (like there should be a time). We met a couple of times after that but it never amounted to anything. What I couldn't forget about him was his intensity though, the way he discussed the pettiest of things. It was this intensity that we had considered "us."

I could only grin at the impeccable timing. He was with a couple of friends but couldn't find them at the moment so he decided to sit with me. There was the usual kamustas and he looked at me like I've grown a big zit on my nose. He told me I look leaner. I usually smile at this, not really knowing how to respond to a compliment, but doing that for having nothing better to say. The words escaped my lips before I could really think about it. "Bullshit. Whatever." I said, rather sarcastically and loudly. I thought I also said it too sharply so I just bit my lip when I took a quick glance at his face and saw he looked hurt by my reply.

We kept silent after that; aside from the fact that the band had started their third round at the stage with heavy metal music, talking almost impossible. I would have gladly forgotten this minor incident had he not talked to me before he stood up and left. "Sayang. We think too much. You more than I do." He half-smiled before he stalked off.

I admit I felt a bit guilty. In my drunken haze, I pondered on how and why I did what I just did. I don't know what got into me to react like that to him. I wasn't even able to grin, which I usually do to take back what I've just said or at least dilute the harshness- for damage control. In hindsight, I couldn't really say it was that big of a outburst but maybe it was. I thought I was becoming too mean.

I didn't know how Ernie did it but I suddenly found myself surrounded by the guys from the other table. Ernie had successfully summoned up the courage (in other words, got more drunk) to invite them over to our table. I shook hands with the strangers but was left fiddling with my phone; unable and too wary to join in the group's conversation, afraid my natural sarcasm and biting remarks would not help Ernie in any way with whatever his motives were.

Before I got too lost in my own world though, Jayr appeared, smiling apologetically as he said he was tired but couldn't pass up the few chances we have of seeing each other. He drank faster to make up for the bottles Ernie and I had already finished. I relaxed because finally I saw someone I expected tonight. Before long, I was laughing with the group.

Jayr and I went home together, me dropping Jayr off at his house. He asked me innocently if there's something fun he can do at my house. I answered none; didn't say out loud that my answer to him on that question is never; knowing that there would be lots of implications and risks in such a prospect within personal quarters. These "implications and risks" made Mike's statement came back to me about thinking too much. He does have a point. Maybe I do. Too much, like he said.

I don't know. And then I think (there it is again) maybe it's for the better. Mike, Mike, Mike. Catch me when I'm not thinking.

Cartoon from here.

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