Alone But Not Lonely

(previously entitled "How Does A Gay Guy Die? Marry Me or Not?! ")

This question came in light of the complicated sickness that my dad is experiencing right now. I know it might sound morbid but in our household, the topic of death has been discussed too many times that my parents can afford to joke about it. We are definitely as dysfunctional as families come.

Ive already shared about my struggle to sensitize myself to my father in spite of years of falling apart but our differences never came to the point of us wanting to really be out of each others life. It's like the thread that's holding us together might be so thin so as to be almost invisible but it's of the industrial kind. So he's sick and we as a family is there for hm, praying for a miracle and trying the most we could to provide with his medication and therapy but most of all trying to understand his temperamental lows as most ill people are wont to do. All these come to me as this: that my father is lucky enough to have a wife and three, if not the most loving ones but are at least there, kids. Which brings me to the meat of my prognostication about dying: Is marrying and starting your own family the only way I can be sure that I wont die miserably alone?

I have two gay friends who are way older than me and I've seen them at their happiest and their lowest. Most of the time, if not all, seem to revolve around the 'straight' guys they fell in love with at that time. Always, they get back in track when they found the next guy they could shower their affections on. When I pointed out the viciousness of the cycle they are trapped in, they just offer a smile of dismissal over my lack of experience. Over and over, they told me that a guy would always want a girl even if a gay guy is there to love him and sacrifice everything for him (I really believe they would).

I also have a couple more other friends, again older than me, who is less 'feminine' than those first two and they aggressively have relationships with fellow gays. One would think that they have at least tasted what it is to be in a satisfactory relationship where there is mutual support and literally equal footing between the two partners. Sad to say, they haven't. As words of advice, they told me that gays are promiscuous in nature, not exactly unable but find it really hard (more than heterosexuals) to stay honest and faithful to their partners which meant I'd better learn how to play without my heart on my sleeves. They weren't talking bitterly of their failed relationships and were in fact simply describing themselves.

Call me ignorant (ignorance is bliss after all) but I'd argue against that kind of thinking that encourages people to take unfair advantage of anyone, no matter what the reason is. I do, however, suspect a certain wisdom in their words.

In fact, who will I listen to but those who have lived through the same things I am experiencing right now? It made me wonder: Do we, then, move on from one guy to the next, eternally hoping for the best, whatever that is, knowing fully well that the present loves we have are all too transient and fleeting? Do we ever find that one who will stay with us, who will fight through thick and thin? Or are we better off to just accept this as a fact of life, which means that a gay guy go through life by developing a heart made of steel, borne out of his experiences, so that when he dies, chances are he might still be alone but at least not exactly lonely.

Perhaps, I'm just talking from the perspective of a 3rdworld country whose culture is so deeply enmeshed with the Catholic doctrine that has a lot to say against homosexuality. But then again, on the other side of the world, where people are supposed to be positively aggressive, they just made out a stand to ban the legality of same-sex marriages (for a more in-depth discussion of this topic, called Proposition 8, head over at NSFW Queerclick). Marriage or call it whatever you like and hide it behind a veil of holy sanctity under whoever god you believe in but I've always seen the issue as focused on the word 'legality,' whereas if allowed, will allow gay couples their civil rights and be respected as a one legal entity in our world of governments and contracts. If they can't make a step forward in being able to accept gays, a minority that can no longer be ignored, how much more in my country? I just hope we are not considered as abnormalities anymore.

I'm old enough but is still too young to subscribe to my friends' philosophies but time moves so fast and pretty soon I might believe in what they're saying. How I hope I'll be given a fair fight at it: To grow old and ultimately die, more than 'being-alone-but-not-lonely', but happily AND with a somebody.

Before that happens though, this gay guy has lots of living to do.