I was playing DOTA when I suddenly felt queer (not my normal/everyday queer). I looked up and expected to see my old man come in after his daily jogging routine. When he didn't, I felt uneasy and a bit cold and my heart got thippity-thump-thump.
See, my dad is not that old but his health problems had been complicating for some time now. Last time he came home from the province and he was unable to speak clearly. Turned out he had a mini-stroke. Right now, he is on lots of medication and exercising regularly, trying to reverse the abuse his body had been subjected to (he's diabetic and was a heavy drinker).
I unlocked the door and checked outside. After a couple of minutes, I resumed playing DOTA (sniper mode, as usual) and after a quarter of an hour, heard him come in through the front gate. The moment he sat on the sofa, he told me in a nonchalant way that he stumbled on a piece of stone while he was jogging but that it was nothing.
I looked at him, and confirmed my suspicion that it was not nothing. He has wide gashes on both his left knee and left cheekbone. I could just imagine what had happened, how he exactly fell, when the wounds he has are so far from each other.
I was worried and wanted to tell him to wash them properly first, to apply ointment on it, or apply cold compress.
However, I didn't. I didn't want him to think I care that much. I thought it would be too awkward. Too unnecessary. Too domesticated. Too spontaneous. Too caring. Too fussy. Too unnatural. Too much like who I really am. So I held back. And shut up. And not care.
Maybe he raised me too well. Oh well, like he've always wanted.
3 comments:
nakaka-relate ako dito... re: awkwardness and everything. parang kami ni papa. pero surprisingly, i'm missing that awkward feeling kasi every time i talk to camilo on the phone, parang ka-perfect ng aming father-daughter relationship. charing sa blog mo pa nag-share ba! haha!
woah! i never knew you had a blogger account chit. chit makainis noh... mahirap na maging sweet, or maging ideal. parang pilit lang or kahit inde, maiisip mo baka isipin nya na ganun nga. so feeling mo corny.
tapos.. maiisip mo mali ka. hinde ka dapat ganun. tapos maiisip mo pa, you'll be cursed later in the future for this, for thinking so much and probably overanalyzing. parang bad karma. haayst!
sana he'll forgive me. ganun na lang...
da parentals: can't live with them, can't live without them.
and speaking of parentals, basahi pa gud ni. na-whoooaahhhh gud ko because of this. i don't know if you agree or not though.
A demented mother mouse teaches baby mouse to find a mate: you have to break your little foot and hop around in the middle of the field even though the hawks could find you there and kill you. The mouse comes to believe that to find love it has to do ridiculous things that put its life in danger. Out little mouse from a demented mother hops about the field, his little foot hurting but still he is feeling hopeful. Hop, hop, maybe I will find a mate. I will try hard this time and it will definitely happen. In the moment that the hawk swoops down, the mouse, mistaking him for the mate, feels a swooping, a freedom, a joy, utter bliss... It is so ironic that we can feel the most free and joyful when we are acting from the most ingrained, programmed behaviors. Our parents press this button and that button, industrious little computer programmers. They praise us extravagantly and calls us nasty names. 10years later we meet someone who praises us extravagantly and calls us nasty names...voila, they have pressed the exact right buttons and unlocked the door to our hard drive. And now we are soaring, feeling free. This time is different, we say to ourselves, every time, until the time the hawk swoops down and we close our eyes in bliss and we whisper, honey just kill me now.
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p.s. my blogger account's supposed to be secret. oh well. i got my moleskine now anyway. :)
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